Saving Grace One Day At A Time
Most child sex offenders appear to be ordinary people living ordinary lives. They don't have horns or fangs and drive hippy vans looking for their prey. As in the case of Jerry Sandusky who is well known in the state of Pennsylvania. He used his clout winning young boys' confidence and then sexually assaulted them. This went on for decades. He lived the life with the status attached to Penn State. He founded the Second Mile organization for underprivileged and at risk youth. To the public eye he was a hero.
90% of sexual abuse victims know their abuser. Only 4-8% of sexual assault claims are false.
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Behind closed doors he was a monster and is now serving time and holds to his innocence.
Using his authority and threats he subjected young boys to his deviation. So if you don't believe your awesome neighbor, friend, or worse a family member could ever do something so horrible just remember that sexual abuse is EPIDEMIC. What is more heartbreaking is that so many never find justice...never.
Can we ever assume it's not true?
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Ordinary people living ordinary lives hold the victim's throat in their hand. They exploit shame and fear that becomes larger than life to the victim while an emotional isolation is growing. Our offender is currently using a quiet underdog character to sway the people around him and the legal system to see him as the victim. It leaves his victim in fear and without hope.
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Grace asks if the police are going to keep Daddy from touching her. How do we tell her that they have already failed? She asks why Daddy is trying to get her. We don't have an answer that little ears should hear. The closest she has come to "being ok" with seeing him is if he promises never to touch her again. Her ordinary dad is the monster who lives under the bed and no one wants to support her safety...
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While running errands my senses became keenly aware of the world around us and it's important for people to know that predators are mixed in the crowd of normalacy. Becoming more aware is what living through this hell does and I thought about a normal day in an abuser's life.
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He dwells amidst his circle of family and friends, co-workers, neighbors like anyone else. His history brings tokens of character to his present day, good or bad, and it shapes his thinking like anyone else. He grew up sitting next to other kids in school experiencing the same day as those who did not grow up to be a predator.
He goes about his day at work talking to co workers about the job, fishing that weekend, and even has opinions about the moral decay of society. He has some degree of social conscience that becomes a part of who he is. Most often it's sincere. He laughs and jokes with the clerk at the convenience mart down the street where he gets his gas, and holds the door on his way out for a young mother struggling with multiple bags while holding the hand of her toddler.
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The predator cuts his grass in straight lines, is frustrated when the mower breaks down, and curses under his breath. He chit chats with his neighbor while he takes the mower engine a part in the driveway to see what's going on. His neighbor sees the clouds forming in the distance and offers his garage and they both work on that mower that Saturday afternoon while it rains. The predator enjoys the company and is sincerely thankful for the help, and at the end of the day the mowers is running like new. Tomorrow is another day and the lawn will get mowed.
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When his day is ending he showers and settles to watch TV. It goes through his mind a few times that his neighbor is pretty cool, and he smiles. He sure is thankful that the neighbor happened to be home because he's away with his family a lot. It's genuine gratitude. He even thinks about how he can return the kindness...perhaps taking care of their cat while they're away. He looks forward to being comrades with the people next door. The summer is looking good.
After a few hours of TV viewing and being served bits and pieces of flesh that stays just within the PG boundaries - he allows his mind to wander from the helpfulness of his neighbor to the short shorts the neighbor's 11 year old daughter wears. He believes that's normal thinking. Boys will be boys after all.
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Monday morning comes and he rolls out of bed and starts his work week. He goes through a drive-thru for an egg sandwich and his favorite caramel latte on his way to work. Arriving at work he realizes he picked up the wrong pants off the floor when he got dressed that morning. The pants had been worn three days in a row, one of them being the day he worked on the lawn mower. He worries about that pretty co-worker noticing the smell. So he plans to joke about it and later says to her, "OOOh, don't get to close. You'll pass out from my manly aroma. hahaha!" She thinks he's funny and laughs along with him and secretly refers to him as cute and shy and maybe he needs a woman to do his laundry.
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On his way home he stops at his parents house to check on his dad who hasn't been feeling well. While he's there he takes out the trash and helps his mom get a box out of the attic that she is certain holds her mother's prized antique sewing basket. She's been looking for it for weeks. Aunt Dottie stops by and he stays a little longer. He loves his aunt. While growing up, and not so comfortable talking to his parents about certain things, he could always talk to her. He was more open with her about what he wanted from life, a family, a good job, and to be able to pay his bills without worrying. So far he's had trouble keeping a job even with his college degree. Somehow she managed to boost his confidence. Aunt Dottie kept a special place in her heart for him because he was a quiet boy and got picked on in school sometimes.
He states on social media that he'll be a good friend to anyone and he means it.
He loves his mother...but she is loud and in charge ...and he has been forming a thought process about the kind of woman he wants in his life. His mom rules the roost and his dad backs down to her. This predator wants a woman who will know her place and it's a routine fantasy that grows.
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One day that pretty co-worker rejects his invitation to go to lunch because she just started dating someone else. In his mind he curses himself out for not getting to her sooner because she seems so perfect for him, quiet, polite, and maybe submissive. Another male co-worker sees the situation, pats him on the back and says, "You don't need her. You deserve better." He laughs and gets on with work, but he's seething and thinking of what he would do to her if he had the chance...He believes this thinking is normal...Then his thoughts turn to his nice neighbor's daughter. She'd be easy to manipulate and if he gets in good with her family he's half way there.
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When he arrives home he finds a shut off notice in his mailbox from the electric company. He knows he paid that bill and becomes irritated that he has to waste time finding his cancelled check. After three hours of searching and sweat running down his face he finally finds it and now he feels like exploding. It's too late to call them and straighten it out, so he plans to devote tomorrow's lunch break to that. He thinks about it all night and gets no sleep.
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During his lunch he sits at a table in the break room, biting chunks of his sandwich each time the woman from the electric company says, "hold on." He finally gives her the cancelled check number and she apologizes for the mistake when she finally finds what happened. He feels a sense of relief that the injustice was made right and it wasn't his fault. It was satisfying to her her apologize. That coworker who told him he could find a better girl, hearing the conversation, says "Geez, you pay your bills on time and still get harassed." It's true, and predators experience these same struggles that we all do.
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While he works he daydreams about owning a house and having a family to go home to. Renting is OK, but having your own place is so much better. He experiences loneliness like anyone does and wants that partner to stand by him no matter what. Don't we all? Sometimes that loneliness overwhelms him and he hates going home to an empty house. His mind turns back to the neighbor's daughter and the playground down the street.
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The point of this illustration is to show how easy it is to interact with these predators living what appears to be an ordinary life, and we have no idea. We rub elbows with them every day. We support them when we they go through troubles. Except for a deviant thoughts process that stays in the shadows, and those moments when he commits the most heinous of crimes, he appears to be like everyone else. Our predator was overheard on the phone saying, "Yea, my ex is giving me problems about custody." No doubt the person he was talking to supports him because, after all, he is an ordinary nice guy living an ordinary life...
It is epidemic and our family court system has got to catch up and protect the child first.
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